7×70

“I remember running down the hallway
Playing hide-and-seek
I didn’t know that I was searching
For someone to notice me
I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I’m s’posed to be learning to love you
Let me doubt again”7×70 Chris August
I have decided that past hurt is something that I am never willing to let go of, and I hold onto it for a long time, and often times, the only one that holding on to this hurts is myself. I beat myself up about never being good enough for my parents, and how all I wanted growing up was two parents, a mom and a dad that love me.
This has been on my heart so much lately. Being removed from the situation while being at college has given me the chance to look at all aspect of the home situation.
I keep living by their standards, and yet I am still not good enough, but what does that really look like? Not good enough? Well, I believe that it is NOT in the will of God, and that all of these things that I place in my head as standards are unreachable, and I need to turn to God’s standards, not the ones forced upon me by my parents.
The song 7×70 by Chris August has been going over and over in my head. It has really spoken to the way that it was at my house. I would hide in my room curled in a ball, praying that someone would come and find me, and ask me how I am, instead of me going to seek out someone to talk to. In a way, I was playing hide and seek like the song talks about.
I have a choice to make, and I don’t know if I am doing what God is wanting me to do. I want to have a relationship with them, but every time I try to change or try to fix everything, it always ends in  deeper hurts and often makes me shut off more.
Recently my parents came to visit me at college, and it was a repeat of everything that has happen at home, and because of those three short hours, I have shut down and have been playing the fake card the past few days, and I know it needs to stop, but how?
The song talks about forgiveness, but I am in desperite need of knowing how to do that. All of my sins are forgiven, and I do some pretty dumb stuff every now and then, but how to I forgive parents that have caused so much hurt and pain that all I can do is shut down?
I guess I am waiting, God will show me soon where to turn, I just need to be patient about this part of my life.

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They’re Singing Your Song By: Alan Cohen, (Wisdom of the heart)

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone
else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come
together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

To the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community
form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well.

You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home.

6 Months (:

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

 Never have I felt more accomplished than what I do today. I am starting to see a change take place inside of me, and this process is beginning to gain a history. No longer do I live in the middle of a hard time, I am beginning to move past a struggle, and find freedom and grace in knowing that even though I think I have messed up, God has still forgiven me, even if I don’t feel forgiven.

People back home have heard my talk about how I do not see myself the way that God sees me, and that I struggle a lot with self-image, but never did I let them in so far to the point where they really knew what was going on. I had the support that I needed to get me through, but when they weren’t around, I would take matters into my own hands, and take control.

It wasn’t until I got to college, and I realized that I couldn’t do what I was doing. I lived with 17 other girls, and we were together all of the time. That became an overwhelming concept for me. I would take control of things when people weren’t around all of the time, and that wasn’t possible living in a dorm.

Two weeks into living in a dorm, I began to panic. I needed to break some walls, and let someone in, or I was going to have a hard time getting used to living away from home, being a freshman in college, and getting the grades, because I would be so focused on wanting to have perfection.

I went to my RC, and I never thought I would let walls come down that fast, no joke, it was maybe a 15 minute conversation, and I was already telling her things that I had never told anyone. I told her about how at home I struggled with making myself purge at times when I didn’t like the amount of food going into my body. That was the hardest thing that I have ever done. No one had ever known that about me, and she had been in my life two weeks, and already knew.

When I told her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. I had spent most of my life living a life that was fake. I looked happy and was cheerful most of the time, but behind closed doors, I felt unloved, useless, and worthless. My family didn’t show me love. It was nothing but criticism all of the time, and I was never good enough. That is where this perfection driven girl was created. I wanted to know that I was loved, know that I had some value in the lives of the people around me, and maybe find some worth in living.

There were many times where I would sit and think about the ways that I could die, and it would look like an accident. I didn’t think that I had any point for living, and no one who had to love me showed me love, so why in the world would people who didn’t have to love me, love me? I struggled with that for a while, and it coexisted with the struggle of eating and purging. It is not as bad today, thanks to the people in my life who have shown me where my worth should and does come from.

I have kept silent for so long about the hurt, pain, and struggles that have come in and out of my life, but I have decided to act upon them, and some where in my future, God willing, help people who are dealing with the same thing. I didn’t think that I would ever be able to talk about some of the stuff that was kept a secret in my life, but now I am finding that redemption is really the story, and for some people, that gives hope.

So here I stand today. I have made it a half of a year. In the past six months, I have not made myself throw up, and I have only missed three meals. What a mighty and awesome God I serve! The people that he has brought into my life have been such huge supporters in this process, and remind me on a daily basis that I am a creation of the creator, and he creates beauty. (:

I am so thankful and blessed for people who have taken time to get to know me, and are willing to help. Trust was a hard thing for me growing up, and is still really hard, but by the examples of trust that I have seen in my life the past six months, it is becoming easier for me to let people in and trust that they will not leave me, and that they really do care about what is going on in my life.

I have done it! But not on my strength, Phil 4:13 has been a key verse for me. Christ has been my strength, and the strong people tha the has placed here to help me get their strength from him as well.

It is still a process every single day, but more and more, the urge becomes less and less. What an awesome feeling it is to know that I am making steps towards freedom and peace with myself. (:

For Good

It’s been a Wicked kind of day, and I have been listening to the soundtrack over and over again. There is such an underlining theme in that musical, that seems to catch me by surprise in many different ways every single time.

Today, the last song, For Good hit me in such a way that I have been able to understand something about saying good-bye or moving on, or growing and paths begin to go in opposite directions.

“I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return.”

That part spoke right to where I am with relationships in my life right now. God leads us to the people who will make an impact that will help us grow, learn and become more like him in our everyday lives. When these relationships begin to form, there becomes a sense of trust, and community begins to form. Those people who help us along the path, we will in return do the same for them.

The last part of that, “If we let them”. That’s where I fall. I think that I can just play superhuman and help everyone, but when it is turned towards me, I usually don’t let people help me. I am working on it, and I am starting to see that it is true, that is really where the growing begins, when we make our walls fall, and start to reach a point where the conversation that we have in a community, is uplifting, loving, and for God’s glory in all that we do.

After thinking about that, then I hear the verse that Elphaba sings, and I start to think about ministry. We have those close relationships that we are able to let trust form, and accountability is key, but what about our everyday lives? We are called to live by the example of Christ, but is that what we are really doing? Will we be the people who people are able to say this about:

“It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine”

The person in the grocery story that you are kind to, or the encouragement that you give to someone may only happen once, and the way that you approached a certain situation has left such an impact that the person’s life will never be the same. You may NEVER see them again in this life, but maybe, through the small action that you took to give Christ to someone else, plants a seed that will grow into a faith that someone will make their own.

There are so many other parts of this song, as well as the whole musical that I have had to stop and think about, and often it challenges me to think in a different way than what I have once thought.

Today, I am going to try to focus on the relationships that build me up, and love, support and encourage me. I have had my fair share of relationships that cut me down, and break off my self-worth, but I am working on it, and by the new people Christ has brought into my life, I am seeing that yes, letting them in is a good thing, and it helps you grow and learn.

The final thing that I got out of this song….If I am really going to grow up to be a church planter, evangelist, pastor, whatever….I am going to be setting an example in my everyday life, I must die to myself NOW and let Christ become who I define myself with, and work on that. I may never see some of the people who I come into contact with again, but I hope that through my life and actions they will see the love of Christ in all that I do. 

This little light of mine

This Little Light of Mine

By: Addison Road

There’s a little flame inside us all

Some shine bright, some shine small

The rains will come and the waters rise

But don’t you ever lose your light

In this life you will know

Love and pain, joy and sorrow

So when it hurts, when times get hard

Don’t forget whose child you are

Chorus:

This little light of mine

I’m gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I’m gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

May you live each day with no regret

Make the most of every chance you get

Let your eyes get wide when you look at the stars

With the same sense of wonder as a child’s heart

With the ones you love treasure the time

And for those who are gone keep their memories alive

Hold on to your dreams don’t ever let go

Chorus:

This little light of mine

I’m gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I’m gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There will be days when you want to give up

When the clouds settle in

But after the rain comes the sun

Don’t you ever forget

One day there will be no more pain

And we will finally see Jesus’ face

So until then I’m gonna try

To brave the dark and let my little light shine

Chorus:

This little light of mine

I’m gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I’m gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There’s a little light inside us all

Beauty Consumes Everything….

Trying to work through struggles and hurts this new year has been pretty productive so far, but then we reach beauty….It is the most touchy subject with me, and I don’t know how to look past the mirror.

I often end up in tears as I look at myself, and I want to just fix all of the flaws that I have. I know that God creates beauty, and that I am created by him for him, but I still struggle with it.

Today was a hard day to get up and go into the world. I think that I am the most ugly person on the face of the planet, and I never want to go into public.

I stayed in bed crying at things that are standards that I cannot even reach.

I am waiting for someone to tell me the truth….

I don’t really know how I want it to come, or where I want it to come from, but I am sick of putting on masks and building up walls.

I want to see a light in this crazy cycle that I live.

There is so much more that I want to write, but I too often shut down on this topic.