I started off the morning waking up a play list of music that challenges me, yet at the same time, reminds me that I am LOVED by the creator of all things in the world. I was expecting it to be just like every other day, (except for the fact that I was awake and functioning at an earlier hour than usual) and boy was I wrong.
I got to wake up, and begin the day with three people who I look up. I have been realizing that I tend to put people older than me on a pedestal, and I often forget that they are human. But, lately, I have been seeing glimpses into their hearts, and I am starting to see that they are human, just like me, and they all struggle, and have flaws, but through them, they are growing, learning, and teaching. It helps so much to know that the people who you look up to, and who guide you are broken as well. And that is just what I was thinking about on the car ride to church….
We get to church, and woah, Sunday school was so much different from the coloring pages, and the cute Bible story analogy that I am used to teaching on Sundays. I have finally reached a point where I need to grow and learn more, and go beyond my knowledge of what I already (think) I know, and go deeper into the faith, because that is what I am called to do.
The theme that kept coming up all day through out church was control. We talked about Abraham today, and how he must have felt when God told him to go. I was thinking about what that has to be like to give up all that control of your life in such a quick moment. He was told to go, but without specific directions, talk about out of control of your life…. Then, I began to think about the call that has been placed upon my own life. I am SO excited to see where God takes me with all of my hopes and dreams that I pray are in his will, but at the same time, I have NO idea how I am going to get to that end point of wanting to do so many things for his name.
It’s scary, and we all know that I am queen control about everything, and having a mighty God coming in and telling me to give up control is so scary to me. In many aspects of my life. I have had a lack of control at points in my life, so I cling tightly to the control that I possess. To the future that I hold, or the amount of food that enters my body….I HAVE to have control in so many areas, and God wanting ALL of the control is crazy for me to wrap my mind around.
I know that I must do it, but how? That’s where I was left after Sunday school…
Then, Pastor Darryl preaches about the sermon on the mount. It was different from any other pastor I have heard preach on the topic. And of course, the underlining theme was control…. I didn’t realize that I had such a huge issue with it until I heard it over and over again….
I am so far out of control, that I think that I have ALL the control. That is the conclusion that I have come up with today. I think I have control, but in all reality, I have no control, and I am using things in my life and controlling them just to have a satisfaction of having the power over some point of my life.
I talked with a friend a few nights ago, and she said that I need to stop saying control in some parts of my life, and call it choices. I have to make choices about the things I want to control, and now I am going to have to make the biggest choice, and that is to let God has the full control over everything….No just here and there, but all the time, constantly, every single minute of every single day…I am SO scared that I cannot handle it.
I am going to be giving control to a God who I have often let down time and time again, and I don’t feel like I deserve to have him in control of my life….I have never felt forgiven, and I want to know that it feels like to be free from all of my chains, but I don’t fee worthy. I giving up control also means giving God control of my thoughts….Maybe I will begin to see a light at the end of this long tunnel.
I don’t really know what is to come next, but I do know that I have people around me who are willing to be there. Today in church, starting to give God control was scary, but then I remembered that on both sides of me, I had people who really do love me and care about who I am and who I am becoming, and I felt a sense of peace.
We shall see where all of this goes in the future. I have to be willing, and that is the main thing. I WANT to move forward, and keep on my path to redemption.
I have been thinking a lot about this morning almost all afternoon, and I am still not quite sure what to think of all of it, but I am just waiting. Letting God lead me into the next part of my life and what it is I am to do next. It’s scary to me, and I am SO afraid of letting go, but I a support system that will not fail.
I have to let go and let God, and that scares me. I don’t want to feel alone, or out of control, but it’s the next step, and I need to put emotions into words instead of taking it out on myself. We will see what comes out of all of this….
Prayer, that’s what I need. Spending time with God so that He can show me where it is I must go next in this journey…