“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
Never have I felt more accomplished than what I do today. I am starting to see a change take place inside of me, and this process is beginning to gain a history. No longer do I live in the middle of a hard time, I am beginning to move past a struggle, and find freedom and grace in knowing that even though I think I have messed up, God has still forgiven me, even if I don’t feel forgiven.
People back home have heard my talk about how I do not see myself the way that God sees me, and that I struggle a lot with self-image, but never did I let them in so far to the point where they really knew what was going on. I had the support that I needed to get me through, but when they weren’t around, I would take matters into my own hands, and take control.
It wasn’t until I got to college, and I realized that I couldn’t do what I was doing. I lived with 17 other girls, and we were together all of the time. That became an overwhelming concept for me. I would take control of things when people weren’t around all of the time, and that wasn’t possible living in a dorm.
Two weeks into living in a dorm, I began to panic. I needed to break some walls, and let someone in, or I was going to have a hard time getting used to living away from home, being a freshman in college, and getting the grades, because I would be so focused on wanting to have perfection.
I went to my RC, and I never thought I would let walls come down that fast, no joke, it was maybe a 15 minute conversation, and I was already telling her things that I had never told anyone. I told her about how at home I struggled with making myself purge at times when I didn’t like the amount of food going into my body. That was the hardest thing that I have ever done. No one had ever known that about me, and she had been in my life two weeks, and already knew.
When I told her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. I had spent most of my life living a life that was fake. I looked happy and was cheerful most of the time, but behind closed doors, I felt unloved, useless, and worthless. My family didn’t show me love. It was nothing but criticism all of the time, and I was never good enough. That is where this perfection driven girl was created. I wanted to know that I was loved, know that I had some value in the lives of the people around me, and maybe find some worth in living.
There were many times where I would sit and think about the ways that I could die, and it would look like an accident. I didn’t think that I had any point for living, and no one who had to love me showed me love, so why in the world would people who didn’t have to love me, love me? I struggled with that for a while, and it coexisted with the struggle of eating and purging. It is not as bad today, thanks to the people in my life who have shown me where my worth should and does come from.
I have kept silent for so long about the hurt, pain, and struggles that have come in and out of my life, but I have decided to act upon them, and some where in my future, God willing, help people who are dealing with the same thing. I didn’t think that I would ever be able to talk about some of the stuff that was kept a secret in my life, but now I am finding that redemption is really the story, and for some people, that gives hope.
So here I stand today. I have made it a half of a year. In the past six months, I have not made myself throw up, and I have only missed three meals. What a mighty and awesome God I serve! The people that he has brought into my life have been such huge supporters in this process, and remind me on a daily basis that I am a creation of the creator, and he creates beauty. (:
I am so thankful and blessed for people who have taken time to get to know me, and are willing to help. Trust was a hard thing for me growing up, and is still really hard, but by the examples of trust that I have seen in my life the past six months, it is becoming easier for me to let people in and trust that they will not leave me, and that they really do care about what is going on in my life.
I have done it! But not on my strength, Phil 4:13 has been a key verse for me. Christ has been my strength, and the strong people tha the has placed here to help me get their strength from him as well.
It is still a process every single day, but more and more, the urge becomes less and less. What an awesome feeling it is to know that I am making steps towards freedom and peace with myself. (: