“I remember running down the hallway
Playing hide-and-seek
I didn’t know that I was searching
For someone to notice me
I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I’m s’posed to be learning to love you
Let me doubt again”7×70 Chris August
I have decided that past hurt is something that I am never willing to let go of, and I hold onto it for a long time, and often times, the only one that holding on to this hurts is myself. I beat myself up about never being good enough for my parents, and how all I wanted growing up was two parents, a mom and a dad that love me.
This has been on my heart so much lately. Being removed from the situation while being at college has given me the chance to look at all aspect of the home situation.
I keep living by their standards, and yet I am still not good enough, but what does that really look like? Not good enough? Well, I believe that it is NOT in the will of God, and that all of these things that I place in my head as standards are unreachable, and I need to turn to God’s standards, not the ones forced upon me by my parents.
The song 7×70 by Chris August has been going over and over in my head. It has really spoken to the way that it was at my house. I would hide in my room curled in a ball, praying that someone would come and find me, and ask me how I am, instead of me going to seek out someone to talk to. In a way, I was playing hide and seek like the song talks about.
I have a choice to make, and I don’t know if I am doing what God is wanting me to do. I want to have a relationship with them, but every time I try to change or try to fix everything, it always ends in  deeper hurts and often makes me shut off more.
Recently my parents came to visit me at college, and it was a repeat of everything that has happen at home, and because of those three short hours, I have shut down and have been playing the fake card the past few days, and I know it needs to stop, but how?
The song talks about forgiveness, but I am in desperite need of knowing how to do that. All of my sins are forgiven, and I do some pretty dumb stuff every now and then, but how to I forgive parents that have caused so much hurt and pain that all I can do is shut down?
I guess I am waiting, God will show me soon where to turn, I just need to be patient about this part of my life.


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