Truth Letter

Dear Brittney,

I hope that you know that you are broken, but beautifully broken. You are NOT a mess up. There are so many things in your life that are messed up, but NONE of it is just because of you. You are BEAUTIFUL in every way; you have too many walls, so work on that with a select group of people, okay?  The inside of you is just as beautiful as the outside. Everything you do will be good enough for God, if you do it for His glory. People DO really love you, and most of all, you NEVER let God down, he rejoices over you.

Your relationship with your family…Yeah, I know it’s hard, I have lived it. You are a loving daughter, even if you don’t feel like you have lived up to their standards, you are still loving to them. They tried to love you at once, you need to take it upon yourself to fix it back to the way you want it. The way they treat you today, is something that is hard, yes, but I PROMISE you, people in your life are going to fill that void, and you need to heal, so let those who fill in as parents help you. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!! You can only control you and your actions, not them.

Now look…You have SO MANY relationships to fall back on. You began to search for other things because you don’t feel loved and you were hurt even more. BUT thanks and praise to the Lord most high, who sent you the most AMAZING people! How in the world can you not see that you are loved? There are SO many relationships in your life that are healthy, I mean, come on, those RC’s they love you (:

And seventh grade? Remember that? I do. That is where you really began trust the world, that that hurt God, but he FORAVE you! An eating disorder took you over, and you became lost. I know, I know, you think that you have messed up for good, but know this: Your kidneys are against you now, and you have a lot of other health things as a result of your struggle, but your God is GREATER! He has overcome the grave, He can overcome this. You are still dealing with it today, you know what that means? That you are strong enough, because you have put up the fight this long. It makes you strong not only as a person, but also in your faith.

Your friendships, you have SO many. People REALLY DO love you. They are nice to you because you are always around to encourage and love them. All of those people you talk to, yeah, I’m sure they love you so much; they would do ANYTHING for you. You are such a good friend to the people around you. You let them down sometimes, because you are human, and will never live up to their standards, because you should try to live up to God’s not peoples.

Just know that you need people too much, but that’s okay, you are dealing with a lot of stuff. Why can’t you learn that you CANNOT do it on your own strength? Those three close people who have poured into your life in the past seven months, they are doing it because they LOVE YOU and have a mighty God who gives them strength to deal with your issues. PLEASE think they love you, they DO. People in your life really have loved you, so why would they be any different?

There are lots of other things too,  I DO need to say them to you, because you don’t think that you are good enough. If you don’t believe me, how about these people, they love you:

            “I believe that you are beautiful, and you are awesome as well”~Sarah.

            “You are BEAUTIFUL, you are a creation of the creator of the universe, and he creates beauty” ~Miranda

            “I have a beautiful roommate, inside and out! And I LOVE her! She is doing amazing things at GC, she is the next Kayli Catron or Sarah Dothager” ~Betsy

            “Go change the world”~Pastor Michael

            “I am so glad to have a daughter like you”~Momma Cindy

            “I am SO proud of you”~Momma Hiller

The list of people and quotes could go on and on, believe THOSE people, they know the real you, and they STILL love you!

The truth that you think in your head often about yourself is SO NOT true. Your BEAUTIFUL, The right size, NOT a mess up, NOT too needy, a STRONG person, and a KINGDOAM ADVANCER for God and the people around you.

~Brittney

*I did it! I didn’t want to. And to be honest, I don’t believe any of it, but I am so thankful that God has placed people in my life to speak the truth, even if I don’t want to listen to it. I love you guys, and I am SO thankful for you!

You Love Me Anyway~Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me

You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Honest Letter

Dear Brittney,

I hope that you know how big of a mess up you are. There are so many things in your life that are broken because of you. You are not beautiful in any way, and you have too many walls. The inside of you is just as ugly as the outside. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, people don’t really love you, and most of all, you let God down time after time.

Your relationship with your family…Yeah, you messed that one up big time. You are not a loving daughter, which causes them to push you over the edge often, and then you feel like a failure, which is so true. They tried to love you at once, I’m sure, but you were so self-absorbed that you were only focused on yourself, so the relationships began to fall apart. The way they treat you today, yeah, your brought that all on yourself, so stop being upset about it. You cannot change what you once did, so just live with the fact that you messed it up.

Now look…You have no relationships to fall back on, so you begin to search for other things because you don’t feel loved, well the reason you don’t feel loved is because you don’t talk to your parents, even if they don’t talk to you, you should talk to them, but you don’t so not feeling loved, yeah, that’s your fault too.

And seventh grade? Remember that? I do. That is where you really began to mess up your life. An eating disorder? really? I hope that you are happy. You kidneys are against you now, and you have a lot of other health things as a result of that. You are still dealing with it today, you know what that means? That you are not strong enough…As a person, but most of all in your faith.

Your friendships, you don’t really have any. People don’t love you. They are just nice to you because you are always around. All of those people you talk to, yeah, I’m sure they really don’t like you. You are not a good friend to the people around you. You let them down often, and will never live up to their standards. Lots of friendships you have ruined. I hope your happy.

Just know that you need people too much. Why can’t you learn to do it on your own strength? Those three close people who have poured into your life in the past seven months, they are doing it because they have a mighty God who gives them strength to deal with you. Don’t think they love you, they don’t. No one in your life has ever really loved you, so why would they be any different?

There are lots of other things too, but why do I need to say them to you. The truth that you think in your head often about yourself is SO true. Your ugly, not skinny enough, a mess up, too needy, a weak person, and a failure to God and the people around you.

~Brittney

*I finally wrote that honest letter to myself. Reading it makes me cry, wow, I am one messed up girl. The Bible study challenge is to write a truth filled letter this week, maybe that will come, maybe it wont.

Hurting

I thought that I knew what it ment to hurt. To have your heart crushed, and then stomped on….And boy was I wrong. I didn’t really know what it felt like until recently.

My feelings have been hurt, and I am not quite sure how to handle it. I am trying to go on like nothing is wrong, but often find myself distant from everything.

I still haven’t confronted the issue, and I have kept it all inside, but I feel like that is all about to change. I haven’t had a meltdown at school, and I don’t want to.

It’s times like these where I wish I had my friends from home around. I don’t know what to do, but this is consuming me, and I have things to accomplish this week, but my heart and mind are elsewhere, and it is making it difficult to focus on anything.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”~2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Beauty, again….shocker

I wish that I could be beautiful, maybe not even the world’s standard, but enough to find some self-worth.

For our Bible study challenge  this week, we are to write an honest letter to ourselves. I have been putting it off and ignoring it, I don’t want to think about it.

I can’t be honest with myself,in the way that this letter is intended. I have no self-worth, and the letter will end up in a negative context.

Beauty….A tricky thing to write about, because I am not sure I am really ready to reveal more of myself to myself….I am afraid that the more broken that I allow myself to become, the more I am going to hate on myself, so here I am stuck…boo.

Weekend with the girls (:

Well, this has been quite the weekend.

Pedicures with the girlies, spending time with awesome friends, and changing my hair color (:

I am so thankful for the people that God has placed in my life.

I am learning how to love myself through the love that the people who God has placed in my life have shown me.

I give him thanks and praise for the AWESOME weekend.

It’s been 43 minutes….

Here I am, alone, it’s quiet, nothing but worship music is on, and the thoughts of everything that has taken place in this house have come flooding back with me.

This week has been AMAZING, and it is one that I will not forget for quite sometime. The conversations that have taken place, and the ministry opportunities that I have been given have been wonderful. But then, I have come home for the weekend….

I am all by myself, and in my room with the door shut. Oh boy does this remind me of the many nights that I have spent crying to myself begging for someone to come in and hold me, without a word being said.

Maybe this is just a small beginning to the way that God is going to move this weekend. It’s hard right now, but I know that God will see me through. I don’t know where this weekend will lead, but we shall see….

Oh yeah, and I miss being in a safe enviroment….I feel alone. Blah..