Summer Blog One.

Being home for almost a week now has really shown me how much God has worked and changed me this past year at school. I realized that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Everything is different, my heart, mind, and knowledge of God and who He is.

It took me leaving Greenville to see how much I have been changed. I have been placed back in the environment that I left, and I am now seeing points in my day where I have a different idea or reaction to things that happen.

The other morning, I woke up, and began to think the same thoughts that I have thought about myself for so long, and then it hit me….God made me, sure I don’t like myself right now, but if I stop and think about what I thought about myself this time last year….Woah, I have made some progress. (:

I am starting to find my worth in Christ. I have seen small glimpses of my change while I was at school, but now being home, it’s real. I am no longer thinking different because of the people I am around all of the time (although, without them being constant and caring about me, I would be without any progress, I am sure of it.) I see different things as truth now, and it’s really awesome to see myself seeing truth.

I am still not where I want to be with a lot of things, but hey, I am a human, and I have lots to work and improve on.

I miss Greenville….A lot, it’s such a sacred place, and it is where so much of my improvement has taken place, but I serve the same God here as I do in Greenville, and the same God who is ever-present there, is ever-present here.

 

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My life.

There is still so much on my heart… I try to think about what it is that is going on, but there is nothing that is really wrong, I just hurt. I just feel so out-of-place, and I feel as if right now I am living this life alone…I know that it has to be Satan telling me all of these things, but I am hearing them as truth.

I keep waiting for God to show up in a way that will remind me that I am loved, and valued, and cared for. I have longed to see this through the people in my life that he has blessed me with, but I can’t anymore. I need to know that he is here, and working and moving.

All of the craziness that is happening in my life right now needs to stop. I can’t keep playing this game without knowing that I am doing it for a purpose. I feel like I am living this life, with the “Christian” label attached to it, but not truly living it….Deep inside of my I have so much hate, bitterness, shame, guilt, ugliness, and hurt that is how I truly feel.

My faith has become more of a cover up, than a lifestyle. My new RC for next year asked if it would be okay if she placed me in a position to be a spiritual leader to the girls on our floor next year. At first I was honored and humbled at the same time, but now as I have really began to look at my life, I see that I am a fake, and there is no way that God is going to use me in those girls lives because of the true feelings that I really have.

If I was truly a Christian, would I really be thinking these thoughts that I am thinking? Would I really be feeling these feelings that I am feeling?

I need to have a purpose again, because right now, I am way on the other side of truth. I feel like I had more faith in my trials with an eating disorder than what I do now, outside of that lifestyle.

Growing.

Food doesn’t seem to have the hold on my like it did before. I see myself moving past the struggle of an eating disorder, and moving into a stage of healing and growth. I know that the after math of what I have done to myself for so long is going to continue to play out, but I am learning to forgive myself for that.

But now, I am left with a largely broken self-image. I have found that for so long, I found my worth and self-image in an eating disorder, and now that I feel like I have overcome it, I have nothing, except for broken pieces that are in need of being placed back together.

I am not saying in ANY way that I am completely free from my past, but I feel as if God has brought me to a place where I can say, I used to have this as an issue. It still comes up at times, but the people who have been constant with me, and love and support me, will continue to do so as I begin to heal.

Now, back to what is left. When I think about what is being placed before me, I see a huge pile of building blocks with words on them, such as: loved, beautiful, worthy, valued, needed, caring, and many others. These blocks have been destroyed by the fallen world that we live in. They all work together to build something awesome, but have been destroyed. They need a work crew to come in and restore what was once whole. A work crew made up of a leader and people who are working to advance the work of the leader, will need to be called upon before work can begin….I am crying out for the leader to begin construction on the self-image that I and the world have destroyed, and God will call his crew to come in and remind me of so many things that will keep this moving along.

I am beyond blessed and thankful that God has given me this peace that is inside of my heart now. I am moving forward, but right now I am beyond vulnerable to the world, and constant positive affirmation reminders from people who love me are what are going to get me to the next level.