There is still so much on my heart… I try to think about what it is that is going on, but there is nothing that is really wrong, I just hurt. I just feel so out-of-place, and I feel as if right now I am living this life alone…I know that it has to be Satan telling me all of these things, but I am hearing them as truth.
I keep waiting for God to show up in a way that will remind me that I am loved, and valued, and cared for. I have longed to see this through the people in my life that he has blessed me with, but I can’t anymore. I need to know that he is here, and working and moving.
All of the craziness that is happening in my life right now needs to stop. I can’t keep playing this game without knowing that I am doing it for a purpose. I feel like I am living this life, with the “Christian” label attached to it, but not truly living it….Deep inside of my I have so much hate, bitterness, shame, guilt, ugliness, and hurt that is how I truly feel.
My faith has become more of a cover up, than a lifestyle. My new RC for next year asked if it would be okay if she placed me in a position to be a spiritual leader to the girls on our floor next year. At first I was honored and humbled at the same time, but now as I have really began to look at my life, I see that I am a fake, and there is no way that God is going to use me in those girls lives because of the true feelings that I really have.
If I was truly a Christian, would I really be thinking these thoughts that I am thinking? Would I really be feeling these feelings that I am feeling?
I need to have a purpose again, because right now, I am way on the other side of truth. I feel like I had more faith in my trials with an eating disorder than what I do now, outside of that lifestyle.