Last night, I was able to talk to Kayli on the phone while she was driving home from where ever she was coming from. It made me feel really special that she would call me just to talk because we haven’t talked in person in a while. She poured out wisdom on top of wisdom as we talked for a long while, and all I could do was soak it in.
Advice about ministry, and the life of Greenville. She said that she hopes that I have all she had and then more on campus. Which was awesome to hear someone who you look up to so much tell you that they want you to have and do more than what they did during their time there.
Right before we got off of the phone, we talked about love, and how more people than what we think feel alone, unloved, uncared for, unvalued, and lonely a lot, but no one ever talks about that. It lead into more conversation about my idea of love, and how a lot of the time I feel like my family doesn’t “love” me. She stopped for a simple moment and then said, “It’s not because of you”….Woah, wait a second, them not loving me is not because of me? That changes my ideas so much.
The conversation kept going, and I began to see God showing me more and more, that it is his love that matters. He loves me, deeply and passionately, and there is nothing that I could do to change that….It’s not because of me. It’s because Jesus died so that love could be poured out for me. It’s because of Jesus.
I told her that most of the time, I feel like I am a bother to people, and I don’t feel loved, but this summer, I have been learning to be loved… and then, the comment that changed my life, “God has hard-wired you to love, even when you don’t feel loved. That is special.” Those words really hit home….I thought for the longest time that I don’t know how to love people in the right way, but in reality I do, God is working on me to show me that as truth, and to show me that people do love me. Clearly God’s hand is in my life because I didn’t think I knew how to love, but I did, because of Jesus, not because of me.
The one thing that I took out of that conversation more than anything, is that it’s not because of me. In so many areas of my life, I either blame myself for something, or I am prideful and I glow in the fact that I have done something awesome. But, what I should be doing and thinking is, reminding myself that it is not because of me, and it is all because of Jesus.
My focus is different now, it’s because of Jesus, and I pray that I remember that all the days of my life.