Worship.Community.Love.

The 3 words that I hear most often at Greenville.

I am making it my goal to understand these words more and more everyday.

 

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Control.

Haven’t read these lyrics in awhile, until they came up in conversation today….Good reminder. God’s in control.

 

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go

I’m letting go of the illusion
I’m letting go of the confusion
I can’t carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I’m letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go…
Control
It’s time, time to let you go

Waiting.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”

Send Me Out-Fee

Jesus, Lord of my salvation, Savior of my soul.
Send me out to the world to make You known.
Jesus, King of every nation, this world’s only hope.
Send me out to the world to make you known.
Send me out to the world.

I wanna be Your hands & feet.
I wanna be Your voice every time I speak.
I wanna run to the ones in need, in the name of Jesus.
I wanna give my life away, all for Your kingdom’s sake.
Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus.
In the name of Jesus.

Carry to the broken-hearted mercy You Have shown.
Send me out to the world to make You known.
And to the ones in need of rescue, lead me I will go.
Send me out to the world to make you known.
Send me out to the world.

I wanna be Your hands & feet.
I wanna be Your voice every time I speak.
I wanna run to the ones in need, in the name of Jesus.
I wanna give my life away, all for Your kingdom’s sake.
Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus.
In the name of Jesus.

Here am I, I will go.
Send me out to make You known.
There is hope for every soul, send me out, send me out.
Here am I, I will go.
Send me out to make You known.
There is hope for every soul, send me out, send me out.

I wanna be Your hands & feet.
I wanna be Your voice every time I speak.
I wanna run to the ones in need, in the name of Jesus.
I wanna give my life away, all for Your kingdom’s sake.
Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus.
In the name of Jesus.

My heart.

If you knew the whole truth,
would you still see me as a youth?
The things I have encountered,
go far beyond my years.
I have enjoyed many laughs,
and have had quite a few tears.
I have tried to live my life right,
but most of the time,
it ends up becoming a fight.
I shed tears at night,
but by morning, they are out of sight.
People think all is well,
but inside I tend to dwell.
I have to let go,
but how will I know?
One thing leaves, and another takes it place,
God enter now,
I can only be saved by your grace.
I have given my life to you,
and you have made me new.
I give you the glory,
I will let you use my story.
After I tell you the truth,
I hope that you see I have grown from my youth.

Everything in a nutshell in my head.

I stand before my God humble and broken, with no where else to go. I have lived a life of secret, pain, and heartache, and today I have finally chosen to drop all of my chains, and finally experience what it is like to live a life of freedom. So many times I take the time to place on the fake face and the happy personality, even if it isn’t there for real. I have let perfection get the best of me, and have just recently realized that the standards that I have placed on my own perfection is unreachable. I have filled my heart with things that will not build me up, that will not let Christ shine through me, and that have constantly lead me to think that I am not good enough, or to put myself down to where I feel useless and unloved by everyone, yet still fake it to the point where I look happy.

I have made a promise to myself time and time again that I will be able to get rid of this, and every time, I fall in disappointment. When I reach a certain low, and finally make the decision that I cannot keep going, it is in that moment that I let God in and ask Him to help. But up until that point, the idea of being a beloved child of God is shut out and I ignore anything that has to do with the idea of beauty or love. It is now that I see that I need to let God remain constant in the situation. I have Him almost like on speed dial when I have gone too far, and that needs to be changed. I must give Him my all, not half of me.

My chains has put such a hold on my life, and I have shut myself off far to many times, and it has finally reached a point where I cannot go on living my life like this. We were created to give God all of our praise, and to build a community with other brothers and sisters in Christ. I have often let my fake life override how I am really feeling, and often put on my super human costume and try to help everyone else, while neglecting what it is that is going on in my own life. It has been easier for me to escape from what it is I am dealing with, to help someone else. I know how much heartache goes along with secrets, and I want to be able to help others with that problem, and place my own situation on the back burner.

 I have let myself believe that I am too broken to let the real me help people, and if they really knew, they would lose all respect for me, but I have recently been told that making yourself vulnerable to other believers is where the healing begins. I have made the choice today to not suffer in silence anymore. I have to let others in, if I am really going to begin to live a life of freedom.

 My brokenness is where God has been able to speak to me the most, and I have a hope and peace in knowing that no matter how much shame I place on myself and how much hate I have towards my body, that God loves me more than I can imagine. I have tried for so long to put off the fact that I have so much pride in my life. I am to prideful, that I am never willing to fall in guilt before God, and have support from the ones who really do love me, that are in my life, no matter what I think. I have let my pride block out so many things, and most of the time it stands in the way of where I should be going for Christ.

 I have had this idea of “going” for Christ the past few weeks, and I didn’t know where I was supposed to be going with it, but I now know. Go, go and heal so that you can serve me with your whole heart. I am thinking this is what I am supposed to be doing as of right now, and if I put my trust and faith in God He will show me the next step, because I only see a small part of the picture, and He has crafted it to be perfect, just as He has created me. He didn’t say it would be easy, and all things in my life would be smooth, but He has promised to give me a hope and a future, and I must rest in the fact that He is my real Father, and that the acceptance that I have always longed for from my earthly family will come from Him, and will be greater than anything on this earth can give me.

I have always strived to be told I was loved by my family, but I never reached a point where I believed they were being serious, and that they meant it. I have been told time and time again at college that I am beautiful and that I am so loved, but because of the past idea of being loved and told I am beautiful, I am yet to believe it. I am going to work on it, and see where God will take me and bring me to a point to where I do believe it.

But how? That is the question that keeps running through my head. I know that I have made the decision to let God enter all aspects of my life, and to start to let people in, but what about myself? Do I make a complete change in one evening, or do I accept the fact that it is a process and that healing doesn’t happen over night? I know that it will take longer than what I am planning on it taking, but I need to change the mindset that I have that I am just going to fail again.

I am going to fill my life with positive. The people, the activities, and the atmosphere that I am living in. Blocking out negative will be hard, because it has been such an easy thing for me to accept for so many years, but I believe that through the power of Christ, He will help me overcome all of this, and I will learn live in freedom.

 I have to let many things go. Some of it is relationships that need to be healed. If the response is not one that I am wanting and expecting, I need to accept that God will finally be able to heal the wound even if they are not willing to accept what I have to say. There are also “things” that have a strong connection to the self-image of my life. They need to be tossed and thrown away, because they are not Godly things that I need in my life. The final thing that I am needing to let go is myself. I need to lose all that I am, and become emptied, only to be filled again by the one who created me. It will not be easy, and I keep having my doubts, but I am praying that God will take the amazing people that He has placed in my life, and give them the words that I need to hear. I am yet to accept all things that people say to me. I am still getting used to letting people in, and believing that they still love me after they know what I have been holding inside for so long, but I am going to try to take steps to believing those words that they say to me.

 I may not be perfect, but today I begin to take steps in believing that I am beautiful and created in the image of Christ, and that His approval is all that I need in this world. Nothing earthly will every fill me up completely and the approval of people in my life that don’t understand why I am living my life for Christ, will never be able to love me the way I want them to love me, but it is something that I must learn to accept.

 I am scared of what the next step is going to entail. I am not sure how to love myself. I don’t know how to constantly feed my heart on positive things, and I have never been able to go a day without thinking I need to fix something about myself, but I am hoping that the people that God has placed in my life to be my accountability, love and support will help me through His love, and I will be more than a conqueror to this obsession that I have let become my life.

This will be the start for real this time. I am ready to set myself free, and to become a disciple of Christ, and to heal the past that I have had, and live in a new life that only the cross can give me.

I must give God all of the glory and praise for all that He has been doing in my life. The people that He has placed in my life that are a constant reminder to me that I am loved is something that I have longed for, for so long, and it has finally been given to me.

I have been emptied, with nothing left inside, I am to start right now. It may just start out as a action, and there is no emotion to it, and I may not believe it for some time, but: I am a beautiful child of Christ, created in His image to do good works in the world.

Amen.