Everything in a nutshell in my head.

I stand before my God humble and broken, with no where else to go. I have lived a life of secret, pain, and heartache, and today I have finally chosen to drop all of my chains, and finally experience what it is like to live a life of freedom. So many times I take the time to place on the fake face and the happy personality, even if it isn’t there for real. I have let perfection get the best of me, and have just recently realized that the standards that I have placed on my own perfection is unreachable. I have filled my heart with things that will not build me up, that will not let Christ shine through me, and that have constantly lead me to think that I am not good enough, or to put myself down to where I feel useless and unloved by everyone, yet still fake it to the point where I look happy.

I have made a promise to myself time and time again that I will be able to get rid of this, and every time, I fall in disappointment. When I reach a certain low, and finally make the decision that I cannot keep going, it is in that moment that I let God in and ask Him to help. But up until that point, the idea of being a beloved child of God is shut out and I ignore anything that has to do with the idea of beauty or love. It is now that I see that I need to let God remain constant in the situation. I have Him almost like on speed dial when I have gone too far, and that needs to be changed. I must give Him my all, not half of me.

My chains has put such a hold on my life, and I have shut myself off far to many times, and it has finally reached a point where I cannot go on living my life like this. We were created to give God all of our praise, and to build a community with other brothers and sisters in Christ. I have often let my fake life override how I am really feeling, and often put on my super human costume and try to help everyone else, while neglecting what it is that is going on in my own life. It has been easier for me to escape from what it is I am dealing with, to help someone else. I know how much heartache goes along with secrets, and I want to be able to help others with that problem, and place my own situation on the back burner.

 I have let myself believe that I am too broken to let the real me help people, and if they really knew, they would lose all respect for me, but I have recently been told that making yourself vulnerable to other believers is where the healing begins. I have made the choice today to not suffer in silence anymore. I have to let others in, if I am really going to begin to live a life of freedom.

 My brokenness is where God has been able to speak to me the most, and I have a hope and peace in knowing that no matter how much shame I place on myself and how much hate I have towards my body, that God loves me more than I can imagine. I have tried for so long to put off the fact that I have so much pride in my life. I am to prideful, that I am never willing to fall in guilt before God, and have support from the ones who really do love me, that are in my life, no matter what I think. I have let my pride block out so many things, and most of the time it stands in the way of where I should be going for Christ.

 I have had this idea of “going” for Christ the past few weeks, and I didn’t know where I was supposed to be going with it, but I now know. Go, go and heal so that you can serve me with your whole heart. I am thinking this is what I am supposed to be doing as of right now, and if I put my trust and faith in God He will show me the next step, because I only see a small part of the picture, and He has crafted it to be perfect, just as He has created me. He didn’t say it would be easy, and all things in my life would be smooth, but He has promised to give me a hope and a future, and I must rest in the fact that He is my real Father, and that the acceptance that I have always longed for from my earthly family will come from Him, and will be greater than anything on this earth can give me.

I have always strived to be told I was loved by my family, but I never reached a point where I believed they were being serious, and that they meant it. I have been told time and time again at college that I am beautiful and that I am so loved, but because of the past idea of being loved and told I am beautiful, I am yet to believe it. I am going to work on it, and see where God will take me and bring me to a point to where I do believe it.

But how? That is the question that keeps running through my head. I know that I have made the decision to let God enter all aspects of my life, and to start to let people in, but what about myself? Do I make a complete change in one evening, or do I accept the fact that it is a process and that healing doesn’t happen over night? I know that it will take longer than what I am planning on it taking, but I need to change the mindset that I have that I am just going to fail again.

I am going to fill my life with positive. The people, the activities, and the atmosphere that I am living in. Blocking out negative will be hard, because it has been such an easy thing for me to accept for so many years, but I believe that through the power of Christ, He will help me overcome all of this, and I will learn live in freedom.

 I have to let many things go. Some of it is relationships that need to be healed. If the response is not one that I am wanting and expecting, I need to accept that God will finally be able to heal the wound even if they are not willing to accept what I have to say. There are also “things” that have a strong connection to the self-image of my life. They need to be tossed and thrown away, because they are not Godly things that I need in my life. The final thing that I am needing to let go is myself. I need to lose all that I am, and become emptied, only to be filled again by the one who created me. It will not be easy, and I keep having my doubts, but I am praying that God will take the amazing people that He has placed in my life, and give them the words that I need to hear. I am yet to accept all things that people say to me. I am still getting used to letting people in, and believing that they still love me after they know what I have been holding inside for so long, but I am going to try to take steps to believing those words that they say to me.

 I may not be perfect, but today I begin to take steps in believing that I am beautiful and created in the image of Christ, and that His approval is all that I need in this world. Nothing earthly will every fill me up completely and the approval of people in my life that don’t understand why I am living my life for Christ, will never be able to love me the way I want them to love me, but it is something that I must learn to accept.

 I am scared of what the next step is going to entail. I am not sure how to love myself. I don’t know how to constantly feed my heart on positive things, and I have never been able to go a day without thinking I need to fix something about myself, but I am hoping that the people that God has placed in my life to be my accountability, love and support will help me through His love, and I will be more than a conqueror to this obsession that I have let become my life.

This will be the start for real this time. I am ready to set myself free, and to become a disciple of Christ, and to heal the past that I have had, and live in a new life that only the cross can give me.

I must give God all of the glory and praise for all that He has been doing in my life. The people that He has placed in my life that are a constant reminder to me that I am loved is something that I have longed for, for so long, and it has finally been given to me.

I have been emptied, with nothing left inside, I am to start right now. It may just start out as a action, and there is no emotion to it, and I may not believe it for some time, but: I am a beautiful child of Christ, created in His image to do good works in the world.

Amen.

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