We were designed to live in community with one another. I am finding this to be more and more true as the weeks of this semester go by.
The desire to be loved, valued, cared for, and listened to have become so prevalent in my life recently.
I want to know that people love me, value me as a person, care for the person that I am, but the main crave of my heart recently is the desire to be listened to.
I was told recently that I burnt myself out last year with relationships, and that is why this year has become so hard for me. The feelings of being lonely, the thought of having no friends that is so distinct in my life, and the dramatic changes that have taken place in my drive to seek out people and love them.
About three months ago, I pulled myself away from the world. I have numbed myself from any emotions except for sorrow, and defeat. I have placed myself in this dark awful place that makes my heart ache more often than not.
I applied for Spring Arbor, in hopes of running from the pain that has been a part of my sophomore year at Greenville. Friendships that have been destroyed because of my selfish ways, and my own self pity. The grades that I have no desire to care about, because my heart and mind are preoccupied with other things.
It has been a hurtful semester, with so many distractions, and a heart filled with a lot of things of this world.
When my great grandma passed away, I knew that she was going to be seeing Jesus, and the pain of her age would be faded, and there she would be, in the presence of the creator of the world. I knew that, I accepted it, and I thought that I was going to be okay.
Driving back to school today from preaching, I was hit with the reality of death. Sundays were the days we took her dinner, Sundays were the days that I would go see her….That last Sunday before my grandparents left for Vegas, I decided not to go into the nursing home when they took her dinner, I went to McDonalds with my grandpa to get ice cream….. I missed my chance, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
She was 97 years old, and granted, none of us knew that she would be passing away while my grandparents were gone, so I can’t say that I knew it was coming and chose to no see her, but that doesn’t make the guilt and heartache go away any faster.
Since I have been letting defeat, anger, and sorrow flood my life lately, I forgot about the truth that I knew to be so. The fact that she is with her creator, and everything is at peace in her body. This truth that I have known to be true for so long.
I have lost my passion for ministry. I pulled out except for my love for teaching kids about Jesus. That is the one thing that has held me together for the past few months.
While I was driving, and sobbing, I was thinking about the past few months. I am sure that I have missed so many opportunities to minister to someone, because I have let my fleshy issues get in the way of my sole purpose for Christ.
Then, I thought about how I just want someone to listen, I want someone to know that I am hurting, I desire to know that someone is here for me, and how much I have let myself get in the way of that as well. I have no passion for ministry, therefore, I have no desire to listen to someone tell me what needs to be fixed, or the measures that I need to take to get back into the swing of the purpose that God has for my life.
I have blocked God out. I know I have, I have just chosen to ignore that part of my life. Things are hurting too much right now, and God asking me to do certain things for his kingdom right now is not exactly what I want to do…. I want to place myself in a room, by myself, and cry, to anyone but God, because I know that I have left God back at the beginning of all of this.
Ministry classes have been rocking my world, because I still have to be in the word, and I still have to be surrounded by the unbelievable about of passion for Christ that is on this campus.
I think by applying to Spring Arbor, I was running from the pain of the semester, but also from God. I could start over there, God would bless me, and we would skip the past few months of my life, and let redemption fill the gap, and I wouldn’t talk about it…..That wouldn’t work, or set well with my heart.
Yesterday, Amber and I sat outside. Little was spoken, but the presence of being with someone who I know is actively seeking God’s heart, and wanting to be more like him was enough for me. When I needed to talk, she stopped doing her math, and everything was directed towards me, she was listening.
Last night, I was sitting at Beauty and the Beast. My FAVORITE Disney movie, my favorite princess, and one of my favorite musicals, and I was so distracted by my thoughts, that sometimes I caught myself not even paying attention to what was happening on the stage in front of me.
Something is off in my life, and it’s the lack of relationship with Christ. This is connected to so many things, but all of those things are of this world, and I am working really hard to understand that God knows what he is doing, and that someday this will all make sense.
Since I have pulled myself from the world, I have missed the people who mean the most. Miranda did so much in my life last year, and I have pulled away from her, and I regret it, but last night, we just talked, talked like we did last year, never missing a beat, she still loves me, she still cares about me, she values me as a person, and she listened, speaking when it was needed, and providing comfort when it was all I needed. I think because she was the one who I trusted the most, I was afraid that I would be letting her down if I told her what has been going on and how I felt, but that was the exact opposite of what happen. (:
If a human relationship can pick up right where it left off without missing a beat, why I am I afraid that when I approach God again, that things will be different?
I need freedom, I need peace, and I need God’s redemptive love to flood my heart, but I am coming to the feet of Jesus with reservations.
I am still learning, slowly walking to the foot of the cross again. Easter is right around the corner, and I am reminded often that God sent his only son to die for me, my fleshy self, packed with emotions that I have ceased, and the dominant emotions that have flooded my heart.
I want to know what freedom looks like, I want to experience God and his truths in a different way this Easter season. I want to lose myself in God again. I want to have my passion for people back. I want to love others. I want to let all other things fade away again.
I don’t know what this looks like, or what actions I need to take, but I do know that these little pieces of my past that have come back up the past few days need to diminish, and I need to be prepared to seek out help from people in the body of Christ when I am in need of it.
Forgiveness needs to happen. Apologies need to happen. A good cry is in there somewhere I am sure. But most importantly, my relationship with God needs to be redefined, and placed back at the center of my being.