Being home has been kind of weird. This place is way to familiar. The bad memories flood over the good, and my heart is often heavy. Waking up in the same place that damaged me and who I am forever…
These four walls that make up my bedroom are filed with memories. Picture frames filled with memories. Most of them now filled with college ones instead of high school…. They are the good ones, a tangible sign of love.
But, I know that the real memories are the ones that are not captured in pictures. They are the stories that these walls could tell themselves…I have been thrown back to middle school the past few days… Taking me back to the start of it all.
I have been obsessed with what I look like the past few days…The scale in the bathroom has been visited by me more times this past week than what it should be.
I know it’s wrong. I know that I have been doing so well, and it has become just a part of my past…I think that is why it has been such a struggle, that’s what I have made it, just a part of my past. Never thanking God for the redemptive work that he has done and the world that he is doing now.
My family doesn’t eat together for dinner. We have had dinner together twice since I have been home. My mom doesn’t cook, and they usually fend for themselves… It has been weird, and I am reminded of why I got away with things when I was in middle school.
With this, come a ton more of memories…
Uncle Doug in jail…Leaving on my 16th birthday…Set to get out in July…Weird, not sure how I feel about all of that just yet.
Friendships…So much hurt that has been ignored, and shaped who I am today.
My faith: I have been wrecked at Greenville….In a good way, and it’s going to take getting over this part differently this time, and being refined before things begin to make sense.
So many other things that haunt me as I lay and think in this room…
I haven’t really talked much about this past semester, and I plan on getting my thoughts in order soon, so that I am able to talk about them, and heal and learn, but we will see where that goes.
God and I have been on opposite sides of the world it seems like this semester, and I think I am starting to see that faith is so much deeper and different than what I have ever thought before…
More thoughts on this and this past semester later.