If this is what it’s all about, I’m not sure I even really want this.



katlynThis little girl right here is my right hand man. She has grown up as my mini me, and has pretty much stolen my heart from the day she arrived on this earth 5 years ago.

We pretty much complete each other. We hang out, go on adventures, go shopping, and have cheerleading lessons. She is my little princess in training.

Most of our family tells her that one day she will grow up to be just like me….Look out world.

This is my baby girl. My favorite 5 year old. and the best little cousin a girl could ask for.

Katlyn went to Children’s hospital this morning with what they believed to be bacterial pneumonia. Please pray for her as she spends her first night in the hospital since she was born.

She called and talked to me today for a few minutes. I let her know that everyone was praying for her,and that she is going to be okay….So, if you get a chance tonight, pray for her and her little body to be healed.

Spring break…In words.

Spring break. It was the best thing that has happened in a long time. I don’t think that I have been that excited about something in quite some time. I was getting away from Illinois, and all the stuff that I have accumulated over the past year. I was able to get away from school, from home, and most importantly, reality.


I packed my matching suitcases, my pink sparkle guitar, and headed up to Wisconsin, to stay with the lovely Van de Loo family for a week.


I drove to Blakeley’s house first, and dropped my car off there. During the ride up to DeKalb, I was thinking about what the week would look like. It would be really different than anything that I was used to, and I was pretty excited about that.


Blake and I started talking about life and such right as we pulled on the interstate. Her presence was calming, and her heart was beautiful. Everything that she spoke was God honoring. The 4-hour car ride to Megan’s was exactly what my little heart needed to get the week going. We talked, laughed and bonded, and then we reached our destination.


I have never in my life met a family that was as loving as the Van de Loo’s. We walked up the stairs, and were greeted by hugs, smile, and the comfort of knowing all things were going to be okay. For a little while, there was peace.


It was a week filled with peace actually. But, along with that peace came confusion, crazy thoughts, and a hard time wrapping my head around all of this love that was being thrown at me.


What do I mean? Well, they are wonderful. They love each other, they care, they watch TV together, they eat together, and they actually care about how the others in their family are doing…It was a new concept. Don’t get me wrong, it was the best thing ever, just different. It took me a while to adjust to this unconditional love that was poured out for me for openly daily, hourly, every single second.


I thought about my own life, and how I had been brought up. I was angry for a while, sad for a little while, and even grateful for a little while. I grew up the way I did, so that these people, could put into practice this amazing gift of love that God has so graciously given them…Blakeley too.


The Van de Loo’s taught me a lot last week. It was so needed. The way that they care about people really did blow my mind. They would come home and ask me how my day was, and how I was doing… It was awesome.  I feel asleep each night with a sense of peace and security. I don’t know what they are doing, but I sure hope they keep doing it, because there are tons of people in the world who need people to love them like the Van de Loo’s do.



It was a great break. Filled with trips to the cow store. Ice cream place. Snow shoeing. Good conversation. LOST. Sleeping in. and doing nothing. I would say that spring break 2013 was the best ever.

It’s choppy and all over the place. But it’s something. Maybe one day I will write more.

The process of bringing myself to this point has been a long one. Almost 8 months ago, I walked away from Durley, expecting that the experiences will have been the ender of my relationship to the grounds that once held such a high value in my life. I am not saying that I am quote on quote, fixed, but I have been able to bring myself to a place of peace.


It was an experience that shaped my faith, my life, and the way that I engage in worship. Never in my life have I been exposed to such spiritual warfare before. I have never witnessed people speaking in tongues, or people praying over each other to seek healing.  It was new, it was different, and it was left untouched. No one talked about it, and when they did, it was in small group settings, some were for, so were against, yet all of us were left with a sense of being unsure.


It ended, and I was gone. I packed my stuff, and jumped on an airplane and headed to California. I have yet to decide if that was a good or a bad thing. I was over a thousand miles away, detached from the happenings of Greenville, and the things that happened at Durley.


Nightmares and headaches became things that were so normal, and a daily reoccurrence. I went to the doctor, but I didn’t know how to tell her about a huge experience that has shaped me, and the fact that headaches have taken over, and still tend to be a huge issue when I get stressed out.


My life has been consumed with so many things. This place that was so sacred to me, felt more like a foreign land, this city as a whole, felt like the farthest thing from home. Things began to spin out of control. Not eating. Being closed off. Cutting. Hating everything about life. All of it. It all became so real, so real that it was the only reality that I knew.


Then, we talk about God and worship. I have sat through one service since camp… I am terrified. People don’t understand. I don’t expect them to, I just want them to be patient. Yelling, screaming, clapping, laughing…All of it shaped me and how I respond to those things, and when they come up in worship, I don’t know how to deal with it.


But now, we are in March. I have had almost 8 months to process, and think about all of it. I have been hurt. Deeply hurt. I have traveled back to Durley with Rachel, I realized it’s not the place…It’s the experience….And because of that, I have decided to work back out at Durley this summer… It still terrifies me, and I am so worried about what is to come, but I am being obedient. I haven’t seen God or even felt him in my life, but I feel like this is what I am supposed to do… It’s a trust thing. I am hoping and praying that God will give me peace more and more everyday.


I am still in this place of confusion. A waiting period. But I am hoping and praying that everyday will be a day of moving forward. One day, I hope that God sends a person that will understand all of this, and will be able to give me an understanding…But, if that never happens, my pray will be to have peace about it all.


I’m still not fixed, and ready to move on, but I am broken, ready to be placed back together.