The process of bringing myself to this point has been a long one. Almost 8 months ago, I walked away from Durley, expecting that the experiences will have been the ender of my relationship to the grounds that once held such a high value in my life. I am not saying that I am quote on quote, fixed, but I have been able to bring myself to a place of peace.
It was an experience that shaped my faith, my life, and the way that I engage in worship. Never in my life have I been exposed to such spiritual warfare before. I have never witnessed people speaking in tongues, or people praying over each other to seek healing. It was new, it was different, and it was left untouched. No one talked about it, and when they did, it was in small group settings, some were for, so were against, yet all of us were left with a sense of being unsure.
It ended, and I was gone. I packed my stuff, and jumped on an airplane and headed to California. I have yet to decide if that was a good or a bad thing. I was over a thousand miles away, detached from the happenings of Greenville, and the things that happened at Durley.
Nightmares and headaches became things that were so normal, and a daily reoccurrence. I went to the doctor, but I didn’t know how to tell her about a huge experience that has shaped me, and the fact that headaches have taken over, and still tend to be a huge issue when I get stressed out.
My life has been consumed with so many things. This place that was so sacred to me, felt more like a foreign land, this city as a whole, felt like the farthest thing from home. Things began to spin out of control. Not eating. Being closed off. Cutting. Hating everything about life. All of it. It all became so real, so real that it was the only reality that I knew.
Then, we talk about God and worship. I have sat through one service since camp… I am terrified. People don’t understand. I don’t expect them to, I just want them to be patient. Yelling, screaming, clapping, laughing…All of it shaped me and how I respond to those things, and when they come up in worship, I don’t know how to deal with it.
But now, we are in March. I have had almost 8 months to process, and think about all of it. I have been hurt. Deeply hurt. I have traveled back to Durley with Rachel, I realized it’s not the place…It’s the experience….And because of that, I have decided to work back out at Durley this summer… It still terrifies me, and I am so worried about what is to come, but I am being obedient. I haven’t seen God or even felt him in my life, but I feel like this is what I am supposed to do… It’s a trust thing. I am hoping and praying that God will give me peace more and more everyday.
I am still in this place of confusion. A waiting period. But I am hoping and praying that everyday will be a day of moving forward. One day, I hope that God sends a person that will understand all of this, and will be able to give me an understanding…But, if that never happens, my pray will be to have peace about it all.
I’m still not fixed, and ready to move on, but I am broken, ready to be placed back together.