Dear Eating Disorder,

Hello old friend, it has been awhile. You were a comfort to me in my time of need. You were a friend when I felt like my whole entire world was dark and spinning out of control. You always seemed to show up in the most extreme ways, on my most stressful days. Offering me control and a handle on the situations that overruled me.

You fooled me most days. I really let you have most of the control. You were like a bully. You told me what to eat, what to wear, what I said, what I did and how I interacted with the world. You were quite controlling, yet I didn’t want to let you go, you were the only friend I had.

I’m writing to let you know that you really stole a lot from me for 8 years. You took my joy, my happiness my passion, and my drive to do life on most days. You isolated me from those closest to me and made me think that you were the most important thing in the world. I started to live to please you. You were my idol, my god and I worshipped at your feet in the mirror of my imperfections. I pushed aside my religion, my friends, family, and school and consumed myself with your lies, your sweet talk, and empty promises.

You took so much from me and I won’t get a lot of things back, but I am here to let you know that I forgive you, but more importantly, I forgive myself for letting you control me.

When I walked away from you, from your lies, you gripping hand around my neck, and your disappointing look each time I looked in the mirror, things began to change in my life. I picked myself up off the floor and looked in the mirror for the first time at a woman who was created for more than lies and deceit.

I saw a woman who had been taken captive by a disorder that fed her sweet lies of perfection that quickly consumed her, broke her, then left her for dead. A woman who in that spot found a God that reached for her and fed for truth and hope and offered her life.

From that day forward I haven’t looked back. There have been days where you send me texts, tweets or send friends to offer me messages, but I have realized that I don’t need you.

I’m writing you to let you know that it’s time for you to leave me alone, but not just me, all of my friend all around the world who are feeling controlled, consumed and trapped by you. It’s time for us to be free. Let us go. We need to be free and away from you.

You were a good friend when I didn’t know any better, but now, I know that you were the worst thing that ever happened to me. I need you to be cut from my life forever.

Sincerely,

A girl you no longer have control over

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Looking in the Mirror.

For the first time in who knows how long, I looked in the mirror with complete disgust tonight. Usually when I wash my face and brush my teeth, I pick apart the imperfections of my face and hair and then move on, resting in the fact that God has made me the way I am for a purpose and a reason.

But tonight, something was different. I stopped mid nightly routine and blankly looked in the mirror at this person looking back at me. For the first time in who knows how long, I began to weep over what I look like.

How in the world did I get back to this place?

I have been doing so well for the past 3 years. Actively taking steps to allow myself to follow this recovery journey that I have been so committed to. Eating when I am hungry, drinking water daily, and speaking with love to myself because that’s where healing begins.

And then tonight happens, I’m standing in front of a mirror with hate in my heart and anger in my eyes as I look at this gross and disgusting person that is standing before me. I have regained that thought process that I am worthless, useless and ugly.

Something needs to change. Something needs to change soon. The fact that my self-esteem has taken a hit since I have been home makes me realize that I need to go and do something.

I want to look in the mirror and see someone who has done something with their life and has followed God’s call. While all of that seems to be a jumbled mess right now, I know I want to follow it, because where I’m sitting right now isn’t working out for me.

This cannot go on anymore. I’m drowning and this time I’m not too sure what is going to have to be done.