For the first time in who knows how long, I looked in the mirror with complete disgust tonight. Usually when I wash my face and brush my teeth, I pick apart the imperfections of my face and hair and then move on, resting in the fact that God has made me the way I am for a purpose and a reason.
But tonight, something was different. I stopped mid nightly routine and blankly looked in the mirror at this person looking back at me. For the first time in who knows how long, I began to weep over what I look like.
How in the world did I get back to this place?
I have been doing so well for the past 3 years. Actively taking steps to allow myself to follow this recovery journey that I have been so committed to. Eating when I am hungry, drinking water daily, and speaking with love to myself because that’s where healing begins.
And then tonight happens, I’m standing in front of a mirror with hate in my heart and anger in my eyes as I look at this gross and disgusting person that is standing before me. I have regained that thought process that I am worthless, useless and ugly.
Something needs to change. Something needs to change soon. The fact that my self-esteem has taken a hit since I have been home makes me realize that I need to go and do something.
I want to look in the mirror and see someone who has done something with their life and has followed God’s call. While all of that seems to be a jumbled mess right now, I know I want to follow it, because where I’m sitting right now isn’t working out for me.
This cannot go on anymore. I’m drowning and this time I’m not too sure what is going to have to be done.