My favorite words all through college were redemption and reconciliation. With each passing year, they seemed to take on new meaning. I watched these words come to life when I sat in theology classes and when I interacted with people on campus. These words are sacred words, words that burn with hope, burn with truth, and burn with a need to look within.
For most of my life, I have been at battle with myself. A battle that has been fought with scars, tears streaming down my face, and distorted images of myself. I have been in need of redemption, so that I can heal and reconciliation, so that I can forgive myself.
The following is a letter to myself. An apology letter that has been 23 years in the making.
Before you start to cringe and prepare yourself for the blow, relax and prepare to take in these words. These words are going to be different than anything you have ever heard before.
I want to start with I am sorry. I am sorry for the way I have treated you for the past 23 years. I have damaged you in ways that will stick with you for the rest of your life. I have left marks on you that will forever be a reminder that I didn’t think you were good enough, but here I am to tell you that I am sorry.
I am sorry for the years that I’ve spent covering up the marks that I left on you. I am sorry for the years that I spend leaving those marks on you. Those marks that are reminders for days, weeks, and months later. I’m sorry, forgive me.
I’m sorry for the years I’ve spent in front of the mirror screaming with no sound and crying with no tears because I thought you were the most hideous thing to ever walk the earth. Maybe your mentor was right, that mirror really was lying. I’m sorry, forgive me.
I’m sorry for the years I’ve spent pushing food around my plate while you cry out for it to nourish you to do your daily functions. I’m sorry I forced you to do all those school days, middle school, high school, and college without food. I’m sorry that even now I force you to do life without food. I’m sorry, forgive me.
I’m sorry for the years I’ve spent wishing I was someone else. Someone who was prettier, skinnier, more intelligent, and the list goes on. You have been good to me. Even when I put you through all of this junk, you still woke up each day and put your feet on the floor and chose to keep going. I’m sorry, forgive me.
There came a point today when I was walking around the track when I realized you have carried me this far and I need to be thankful for that. The amount of times I have tried to destroy you and you kept going should say something about the kind of woman you are.
I’m never going to completely get rid of what has happened in the past, it’s a part of me. The scars, the random hiccups, the body jumps, but that’s who we are.
Thank you body, for keeping a soul that longs to do something that will change the world. For harboring a heart that feels deeply for things and a brain that thinks about things that matter. You’re important body, thanks for bringing me this far.
Can we be friends, I’m tired of fighting. I’m sorry, forgive me?